1

I’ve told her since the beginning that I already know what’s going to happen.

When you know, everything is much easier. It’s better to know a misruble truth than to live the unknowing – even if that one might let grow some small piece of freedom. Certainty is always on top priority. It’s the fatest lie and the safest shield.

We’ll have issues. You’ll be disappointed with me and I’ll take you for granted. I won’t be enough and you’ll be too much. We’ll have to wake up eraly and feed the children. I won’t understand you and you’ll understand me better than I understand myself. And you won’t understand me. I’ll glance at other women. I won’t agree to show you my insecurities and volnurabilities, and when I will, you’ll feel unsafe. We’ll both be predictable. It’s not like back in the days, when family was family, period. We’re a generation of individuals and there’s a 50% devorce rate. Now there’s romance, tomorrow it’s gone. In order for the relationship to work, we have to work. On ourselves and between ourselves, on trust and communication and readiness. You’ll change and I’ll change and we’ll have to find a way to change together without trying to change each other.

How she’d react, that I also knew. It’s too much for her; she’s still a child and I’m fully grown. She thought she knew me. Now she won’t understand and she’ll get scared. she’ll ask questions, carefully. Then she’ll go home, confused.

And yeah.

She smiled serenely and her eyes mirrored the depth of the ocean. I sailed within them, I dove into her. She held my hand and told me it’s alright. An illusion has value when it’s sincere. We’ve met before. We have something to discover together and it might be painful. We have a debt for each other. That’s enough now. She wants me to hug her.

That’s the beauty of knowing. That sooner or later life proves you otherwise. Reality shows itself for those who look but also for those who don’t. And then knowing changes it’s face and becomes learning. In some circles they call it grace.

2

I’m not sure whether loneliness is something each of us experiences just as a result of being in a body. The one who dressed nice and studies law and her husband who tells jokes. Are they together or alone. Or perhaps for most of us, loneliness doesn’t fully expose itself. We couldn’t have handled it. Or there is no loneliness.

The despair of the unbareble lightness of being is no more than a demon blinding the eyes of those who see. Let us be aware of it and not surrender to it. Make friends with the monster. Otherwise it will reflect in each and every thought, day and night, until they become cold and dark like the moon. It’s the one that prevents us from chanting and being happy. And we owe our lives to it because without it we wouldn’t have been free. We’d be like the cat.

We speak in plural. And assume that we share a common thing in this world. We’re not two different universes. The same forces work in both of me and you and in one way or another, along with those forces we are destined to make our way. I use a word to describe the world I see and you laugh so you also see it. Maybe it’s not like that. Maybe your loneliness is not my loneliness. And maybe you don’t even know what I’m talking about.

This doubt is the monster. Don’t trust it. I’ll always be honest to you and please try to understand me. My yearning towards you is maybe temporary but sincere. After the yearning the truth will reveal itself and then I’ll know what it means to love you. I am not ordinary, you see. It’s hard for me to fake it. It’s a shame we can’t realize ideas. In my sorrow I always seek you. But it means nothing already. It’s nothing.

3

Whether or not God exists is a legit question nowadays. Everyone asks it and forget how small they are. Then come the philosophers and prove. After them the brain surgains prove what they wish to prove. The religious know but get confused somewhere along the way. And everyone forgets to stop for a moment and look up. There is the sky. Exactly on the other side of the world there is also someone. Exactly down there. And they are also looking up to the sky.

4

I let myself feel the abysses of despair in every cell in my body and the feeling is so damn good. At some point in time it was determined that joy is better than sadness and since then everyone’s only seeking to rejoice. We have forgotten the intoxication of melancholy. She’s flooding me and I just want to hug someone who knows who she’s hugging. So many hugs were already hugged between two strangers.

If everything is romantic and there’s no conflict there is also nothing interesting. For the lonely one, the thought of being with one who isn’t lonely is unbearable. He’ll bring the loneliness out of her. Only then will they be able to be alone together. I’m yet to have met someone lonely enough so that she knows how to connect. The experiences of oneness with everything and infinite loneliness are Siamese twins.

5

It’s amazing how strong that longing is. Whatever I do is bound to dwarf it. Biologists think it’s an evolutionary urge to reproduce. That’s not it. Anyone who knows the true potential of a duo won’t settle for such a meager explanation. Everything leads there with the innocence of a child. Someone once told me that I’d always remain a child. Most people grow up in the things in which they are supposed to remain children and remain children in the things in which they are supposed to grow up. You don’t need a research to know something about most people. You only need to observe and truly care.

6

Before we’ve met I wasn’t sure you even existed. That’s not accurate. I was convinced you did not exist. I imagined you as a rebel on the outside but soft on the inside. Crazy according to conformist terms and an island of sanity according to mine. A messanger of truth.

I have no story to tell about us. The place where we’ve met and all the other things that make up a story aren’t really important. We could have been on an island in the middle of the sea. Maybe it would have been better. Maybe we’re always on an island.

7

I don’t know if things will ever change. Some say nothing ever changes. Some say they change all the time but I’m not entirely sure. And the things – for them it doesn’t matter what some say. Either they change or they don’t.

Anyway, I’m glad you’re here. Sharing this moment with me. More than that I do not need. You’ll say what you need. I hope. In my dreams you’re here. Sharing this moment with me. In a sense you’re always here. And I’m with you everywhere. Even before we met. The first time I saw you I was reminded of you. Even before I knew you I missed you. Few can explain it. They are not found in university.

I have lots to say. On the current state in the development of human consiousness and on the economic situation. About your parents and the considerations regarding the house we’ll build. The environment etc. For some reason these things are only important to the extent that I can share them with you at the end of the day. It has been like that since forever.

If we could capture the moment between sleep and wakefulness we’d be willing to be a bit sillier. But now we have to be serious. There are things to do and a world that has to turn on its hinge. If we stay cuddled in bed it’ll certainly not happen the way it’s supposed to.

8

Sometimes I dream I’m on a bridge. Colorful old cars come and go and I keep walking on the side of the road. The sky is black and full of stars. There’s not a single cloud in the sky but suddenly it starts to rain raspberry juice.

What’s on the other side of the bridge I do not know. The raspberry is dripping and the sky is filled with lights of red and green. And then I’m free. I can dance or walk around, climb stairs that lead to nowhere, or howl. A warm feeling washes over my whole body and I know I’ve made it home. And I still have somewhere to go. In the background the violin is playing.

There isn’t any particular reason for anything that I do.

And the only thing I want is to do it.

So I dance tango by myself.