God went into quarantine.

He caught the virus during Yuval Noah Harari’s lecture on prehistoric lice, despite being vaccinated. Did you know that the Homosapiens used to pull the same lice off their descendants as the lice we have today? Anyway, when you are God, you do not need a test to know you are infected. From God’s point of view, the nurse, the nose and the stick are one, you are the nose, you are the stick, you are the two stripes.

Fourteen days without God is quite a bit. He could have avoided isolation, he has connections in the Ministry of Health, he and minister Litzman are this close, but precisely in his position, all eyes are on him, and besides, as CEO he should serve as an example. Truth be told, the isolation came in handy. A little vacation will not hurt him.

When he arrived to put his annual note at the Western Wall, the police did not let Tzachi approach. Damn. Tzachi was building on this note. Since the first note he placed at the bar mitzvah, every wish and wish has come true for him. This was not a coincidence, as for everything, there was a very specific reason for it. Tzachi did not know why the wishes came true for him, only God knew, well, unlike his friends, for whom no wish was ever fulfilled, Tzachi never asked to win the lottery, to be taller or to fuck a lot. He preferred not to burden God with too fundamental changes in the plan, he already has a lot on his mind, so he asked only for small wishes, and never for himself. Ten years ago he asked Maayan to be strong at the time of the divorce, three years ago, that Shira would reduce to a maximum of three cigarettes a day, and last year, that Uncle Reuven would get a mortgage approval from the bank. But the wish in the current note was greater.

There is no passage, the policeman told Tzachi, and explained, the Western Wall is within a hundred meters of the Temple Mount, and with the exception of Walt’s delivery guys, no one is allowed to enter, I do not invent the rules. It’s a really urgent note, Tzachi told the policeman, but every hour tens of thousands of people gathered around the Western Wall, and everyone’s note was urgent.

A convoy of hundreds of turquoise scooters trailed from the entrance to the Western Wall to French Hill, carrying victims of sashimi, carpaccio sirloin and pad-ka-pao. One of the apostles, the one with the soy hamburger – God is trying to reduce some animal products – told God about the tens of thousands of believers waiting outside the Western Wall. In order not to violate isolation, thank God there is technology, God agreed to give a chance to work from home, he sent a link for zoom wishes, Tzachi was first in line, but as soon as he entered the link, a bright white quantum light filled his smartphone screen, and millions of shards flew all over, as in the big bang.

Outside the Western Wall, a million people have already gathered, carrying notes in their hands and demanding God. We don’t care, he could infect us in Corona, they cried, but only that he would return. When they realized that God did not intend to violate isolation, he adhered to the rules he himself had set, the masses began to read unanimously, if not God, bring us the devil!

Ashmadai, this bastard, was happy to take the opportunity, to immigrate to the surface and carry out his plot, but fortunately, he too was in Yuval Noah Harari’s lecture on lice, sitting in a chair next to God, and was stuck in isolation, not far from the Temple Mount, in Guy Ben -Henum. Even if Ashmedai was a breaker of isolation, Tzachi did not intend to ask him for anything, when it comes to deals with the devil it always ends badly, he will find a way to pass the note to God.

Well, cried the mob, now numbering ten million souls, of all religions and of all races, if not God, and not Satan, then bring us Yuval Noah Harari!

After expedited negotiations with the mob over the conditions, Itzik Yahav, Yuval’s lover and personal manager, willingly agreed to the request. The conference in Davos has just ended, although Yuval Noah Harari spoke there after Angela Merkel, but replacing God is not an opportunity that comes every day.

Finally, Yuval Noah Harari thought. He took the wallet out of his pocket, pulled out the yellowing, crumbling note that had been waiting there since the bar mitzvah, and looked at it. Then boarded a private plane and reached the Western Wall. When he stood in the center of the stage, there were already one hundred million people around the old city wall. Yuval Noah Harari grabbed the microphone, raised his hand and read:

“God is dead!”

Tzachi hid in a notch in the wall and held the note close to his heart, while a hundred million people roared, scratching their faces to the point of bloodshed and fucking in groups. You’re lying, Tzachi thought, God is not dead, he just takes a short break and comes back. He tried to sneak into the Western Wall through the bushes, but the policeman noticed him and blocked the road, because he did not invent the rules. If only he had a turquoise shirt, Tzachi would slice a Walt scooter and bring God the note along with carbonara.

And Yuval Noah Harari said: ‘Monks! The story is over, reality begins! Give me the gold! ‘

And the millions refused to hand over the gold, and Yuval Noah Harari called out: “Then, monks, give me the plastic!”

And they will collect from the millions the plastic packages of Walt, black or transparent, perishable and of sauces, and will give to Yuval Noah Harari, and Yuval Noah Harari will give the plastic, and make them a monkey, twenty amma wide and eighty ama high.

And Yuval Noah Harari said: “God is dead, but the monkey is alive!”

Zachi looked at the gigantic plastic monkey, standing in the center of the stage behind Yuval Noah Harari, while the hundred-millions approach the monkey and tuck their notes between the bumps on his skin.

It’s a very bad idea to replace God with a monkey, Zachi thought, and with Yuval Noah Harari as well, true, God made some mistakes, but no one is perfect, all the laws of sacrifice, also wiping out the entire people of Amalek, and this thing with cutting the newborn’s whinner and let the Rebbe suck the blood out, not cool, but why throw the baby away with the Rebbe, and yeah he also erred with the ban on male intercourse, perhaps God is also a bit gay and only he knows how excruciating it is until coming out of the closet, but Yuval don’t take it personally, look here there’s a pride parade in Tel-Aviv and even in Texas it’s already allowed to get married, there’s still a long way to go but all-in-all he’s not so bad the Lord, it takes him a while but in the end he learns.

And Yuval Noah Harari said: “Listen, because the monkey has spoken to me!”

And Yuval Noah Harari engraved on the tablets the gospel according to Yuval Noah Harari:

‘In the beginning, the particle randomly created time and space. And the particle was infinitally compressed and infinitally hot, and it shall be formed out of nothing, out of the great nothingness. And the plasma shall form and spread in the chaos, and the great nothingness spirit shall hover over the abyss.

Let there be physics.

And the particle shall split randomly and crystallize and there shall be a random light within the great nothingness.

Let there will be chemistry.

And the particle shall randomly come to life, and shall spawn the seas and the earth and the fowl of the air.

Let there be biology.

And the particle shall seek to survive and shall battle against itself randomly and shall make him a monkey. And the random mutation shall come and blow the word in the monkey and make it alive. And the monkey shall create the Homosapiens in its image, male and female it created them.

Let there be history.

And the particle saw all that it had done and said that it was good and said and what slim were the odds. And the particle shall make an iron and plastic machine and sat down from all his work which it had done.’

And Yuval Noah Harari blessed, blessed is the monkey who distinguishes between story and reality.

And the crowds roared: ‘Long live reality! Long live reality! ‘

Yuval Noah Harari pulled the crumbling note out of his pocket. Instantly, the hundred-million monks had vanished, and Yuval was thirteen again. For months and months he practiced the Parsha and the Haftarah, Marcha Tefaha, Marcha Suf Pasuk, he invited the whole class to his Aliyah La’Torah ceremony but no one showed up, after the tears had stopped and his eyes already hurt, he tore a piece of Book of Numbers and wrote: I wish I would never suffer ever again.

The giant plastic monkey was already covered with ninety-nine million, nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine notes, and Yuval Noah Harari put the one hundred-millionth note on the top of the monkey’s head.

Zachi unfolded his own note and read it in his heart. He debated a lot about this note, in such things he doesn’t know whether it’s good to intervene, but his brother and his husband waited so long for surrogacy, they tried everything but the doctors simply couldn’t do anything for the girl, she lies alone in Schneider hospital and even visiting her is forbidden – her too, like God, is in quarantine – eventually he decided to write it and there you go the Western Wall is closed, in any case there is no chance that he’s placing this note inside a monkey.

Zachi read it again, this time not in his heart but with a whisper: I wish they’d take Daria’s tumor out.

And Yuval Noah Harari closed his eyes for forty minutes, and the monkey spoke to him, and Yuval Noah Harari went down to the people and said to them, and the monkey spoke all these things to me to say:

‘I am the electron the source of all there is, that has taken you from story to reality;

You shall have no other source besides the electron. Make a statue and a picture of the electron, because the electron is invisible. Infer the existence of the electron from the spin, infer the existence of the spin from the electron. You shall not make temples, you shall not bow down to them or worship them. Make universities and offices;

You shall not carry a story name in vain;

Remember the working day for its holiness, maximize your profits and improve your technologies, for it is for fourteen billion years that the particle made the sky and the earth, the sea and all that is in them, and it shall fight against itself to survive and shall rest peacefully and shall work in front of the screen;

Respect your monkey father and perform experiments on him to prolong your days;

You shall not imagine;

You shall not pray;

You shall not believe;

You shall not answer your neighbor a witness story;

You shall not covet the spot after Angela Merkel at the conference in Davos “

And the people blessed Baruch the monkey who distinguishes between the story and reality, and they asked to know how to distinguish between story and reality, just as Yuval Noah Harari, the man who raised us from the illusions of the story, did.

Zachi raised his hand, which was still holding the note, to ask a question, but Yuval Noah Harari didn’t notice.

And Yuval Noah Harari said:

“In order to distinguish between a story and reality, you have to sit with your eyes closed according to the tradition of Siji O-Ba-Kin as taught by S.N. Guanka also known as Guankji. This is the meditation taught by the perfect one, born twenty-five hundred years ago to the king of the Shakya tribe, and after sitting under a tree, gained complete enlightenment and saw all its previous incarnations and expansion and contraction of the universes, discovered that to exist means to suffer, and that there is no purpose for existance besides the ending of the chain of births and deaths and abolishment of suffering. To see this too you must sit with your eyes closed only according to the tradition of Siji O-ba-kin as taught by S.N. Guanka also known as Guankji.’

Silence spread among the masses, who did not fully comprehend Yuval Noah Harari, and Zachi took advantage of the opportunity.

“Sounds like a story to me!” He shouted.

And Yuval Noah Harari heard his shout and said, “What do you mean, monk?” And sent him some Meta.

“All these things you present as if they were some absolute objective truth, all these abstract concepts of infinite density and infinite heat and suffering and enlightenment and electron that you can’t even define, to me they sound just like another story, and in fact a much less interesting story than the previous one!”

And the masses silenced and they pondered on the words of Zachi and thought for themselves and their heads ached and they got confused.

“You’re confusing us!” Cried one, who was standing next to Zachi, towards Yuval Noah Harari.

“Yeah, what you’re saying is a story or a reality?” Cried another.

“Am I confusing you?” Yuval Noah Harari asked at the microphone, “Well, that’s because …”

Yuval Noah Harari took off his glasses, placed them on the monkey’s eyes, put on a colorful suit and started singing:

“Hello dear boys and dearest girls

I am Confused Yuval

All day long I talk nonsense

Not on purpose at all”

The roars in the audience stopped and were replaced by whispering.

“Tell us who you are! Are you Yuval Noah Harari or Confused Yuval?”

Yuval Noah Harari had a difficult time seeing without his glasses. He searched for a chair and couldn’t find one, so he sat down in lotus sitting under the monkey, closed his eyes, and whispered into the microphone:

“I am part of that same force, often misunderstood, that forever does only evil, and forever wants only good.”

Suddenly, a rustling sound was heard behind him. Yuval Noah Harari turned around but couldn’t see much, only a huge block moving from side to side. The one-hundred million people began to flee for their lives as the giant plastic monkey came to life; Thanks to the glasses of Yuval Noah Harari, he went through four billion years of evolution in five minutes. The monkey looked around and began to scratch.

The masses crushed each other as they fled, Zachi hid inside the notch in the wall, Yuval Noah Harari meditated and the giant plastic monkey scratched, that was it for God, as any self-respecting scientist knows the old man doesn’t play with dice, everything was written in advance on a note somewhere outside the universe however the authority was still granted, God violated quarantine, all this nonsense of quarantine can teach you a lot but at some point it begins to lose its taste, He sent His long and transparent hand to Schneider Hospital in Petah Tikva, slipped it, like an X-ray, into the brain of little Daria and pulled out the tumor, Zachi saw all this and thought, how did he know I didn’t even place the note, neither in the monkey nor the stone, he didn’t know that God had never needed a wall, He had long before installed a wall in the heart of all men, the only thing that’s left was to place the tumor somewhere, God, like us, is subject to the law of conservation of mass, or the law of karma, call it whatever you find fit, He put the long and transparent hand into the brain of Confused Yuval, and placed the tumor at the exact spot in which arose the random genetic mutation that turned Homospines from animal into animate, within an instant his consciousness became as transparent as the God’s hand, Yuval Noah Harari has returned to the initial state of before the expulsion from heaven, he undressed, crouched and ran towards the Ben-Shemen forest, the curse of being human was removed, he no longer suffered.

And we didn’t forget the giant plastic monkey, the monkey ran to the forest as well, his only wish was to stop scratching, Yuval Noah Harari saw him and approached, he didn’t have to do anything the instincts were doing it all, he rummaged in the monkey’s sculp and took out one lice, whose only wish was to escape the giant plastic monkey’s head.

That’s how it is, it’s all synchronized together, the whole system, God doesn’t discriminate, when you’re God you simply can’t even if you want to, you are Zachi, you are the note, you are Yuval Noah Harari, you are the quarantine, you are the suffering, you are the tumor, you are the monkey, you are the lice.