“Sit down, my boy, sit here next to me, and I’ll tell you all about the times known as ‘the days of the problem’.
The problem had appeared in a land far, far away, though quickly enough made its way onto our districts. Overnight, the problem had swollen to unprecedented proportions, and even gained the title: the most problematic problem ever. The problem appeared not only in the newspapers, the television sets and the billboards – even in the faces of all human beings the problem was reflected. In their eyes.
What does the problem look like, you ask, my boy?
Well, I’ve never seen the problem with my own eyes, nor any of my acquaintances. Not many were those who saw the problem or heard it, it had no color nor smell, in any case it was clear to all that the problem was firm and valid. And if the problem could not be seen, it was only for it – the problem – was everywhere – just like the wind.
The problem continued to spread, becoming so common, not only in schools and cinemas and cemeteries, but also in the cracks of buildings at the corner of the street, on land, air and sea the problem was, in the white that’s between the letters in the textbooks, under your nails.
People sought to escape the problem in any way possible; Some shut themselves inside their houses and sealed the windows, others tended to flee to isolated mountains. But wherever man turned, there was the problem.
The president warned again and again of the problem, a new political party called “The Hell with the Problem” was formed, a special team of problem-solving experts gathered daily to discuss the problematic nature of the problem and look for solutions, and new laws were enacted – the “problem regulations.”
Schools were teaching the theory of the problem, and how problematic it is. The teachers all gathered together in an exemplary manner, fulfilling their civic duty, instilling problem-solving skills, and telling about the problem and its twists and turns in the ears of every girl and boy. The problem was then so absolute, so all-encompassing and so problematic, that at one point the entirety of people stayed lying in their beds, hiding under their blankets, while the problem is raging in the village, in the field and in the city.
The experts found out, it was pretty fast we’ll give it to them, that in order to solve the problem, one must first locate the problem. And since the problem could not be seen, it had no color nor smell, the experts soon developed, in accordance with their civic duty, a problem-detecting-device. The color of the device was light-green, and in the presence of the problem it turned lemon-green. The experts divided the total number of lemon-green devices, by the total number of light-green devices, and thus calculated the coefficient of the problem. Indeed, this was no solution, but at least it wasn’t another problem.
I was especially concerned for the well-being of my father, your grandfather. And because of my civic duty to protect him from the problem, I hurried to town and bought a closet with a cushion. I could not sit idly by, my boy, for as long as you are not part of the solution, well, you are most certainly part of the problem.
The experts had recommended the closet with a cushion, which will protect him from the problem. The closet with a cushion is not a solution either, they explained, but it rhymes with solution, and therefore is much better than anything that rhymes with problem.
Many have purchased a solution with a cushion, and nailed their elderly parents inside it, far from the reach of the problem, so that they can spend their last precious years in peace, without real exposure to the problem, thus ensuring their safety, no problems asked.
The children were then wrapped with an anti-problemial-plastic.
I’m not sure you should hear this, my boy, I’m risking the sin of corrupting the youth here, but in the midst of the days of the problem, some mentally unstable people have disputed the existence of the problem. They used tricks and twists to argue that there might not even be a problem at all, and that if there is a problem, it might not be that problematic.
The anti-problemers were treated in accordance with the ‘problem regulations’, and rightly so. It is crucial for every individual to know and understand that one may try solving the problem, may deepen in its problematicness, one may investigate the problem endlessly, may attack and fight the problem, but must never doubt its very existence. For since the dawn of history there has been the problem, in the beginning there was the problem, the problem is the Elohim. Yes, the problem – it is as ancient as time itself, and once created, will never go once again disappeared. At the moment the problem ceases, man will cease as well – the problem, that’s what man is. And if you don’t have any problems, my boy, no problem at all, you better get up and go out and find yourself a problem, otherwise your fellow men, your good fellow men, out of pure concern for your well-being, will find a hell of a problem just for you. Yes, my boy, my dear dear boy, they will write volumes upon volumes about the problems you didn’t even know you had, and all of this solely for your benefit, so that they can accept you as one of their own, as problematic as the next one.
Fortunately, in the end the genius stood up and offered a solution. And thanks to the genius the problem was solved, and everyone cheered: Hail to the genius, cheers for the solution! Hail to the solution, cheers for the genius! And overnight, the times of the most problematic problem ever had ended, with the solution to the problem. And the people went back to living their lives, just as they lived it before the problem appeared. And the problem had been completely forgotten. For the life of after the solution is the life of before the problem, and fortunately there is a genius who, although unable to manufacture problems, is indeed able to find their solutions. And so, the problem had passed as it came, becoming a vague memory, leaving behind only a thin trail of problematic wind.
Back then, people still didn’t know, that the problem was so problematic, that even before it was solved, it began producing, on its own, additional problems. A problem that produces problems, there’s a real problem for ya! And rest assured, beloved son, that even if few were the ones who saw the problem, it had no color nor smell, rest assured that for every fortunate lucky billions who escaped the horror of the problem, appeared in the newspapers, the television sets and the billboards numerous horrific evidence of the waves hit by the problem and its backlash.
Yes my boy, back then, the people had not yet realized, that the problem is here to stay.
Ten years have passed since the problem arose in that far, far away land. By the time my father, your grandfather, had passed away, he was already lying in his closet with a cushion. The burial was conducted, therefore, easily and without problems, after the cemetery had been scanned by problem-detecting-devices and the problem coefficient was calculated properly.
And you, my boy, who had to spend your childhood in the shadow of the problem, whose most beautiful years were tarnished by that very same problematic and damned problem, remember that your parents did their best in order to find the solution and spread it widely and ignite it like a torch, and fulfilled their civic duty, and know that you have no one to blame other than that very damned problem. Can you feel the problem, my boy? Under the skin you can feel it, in your tendons it incubates, in your bones?
And sometimes late at night, a strange thought comes to my head. And I pray that my father would not have lived his last years in a closet, and you – your first years you wouldn’t have lived in plastic, but then I remind myself that praying, especially regarding an event that happened in the past and of which we had no control over, is an irrational act.
And so, with the finding of the solution, despite of it being a temporary solution, which like anything that’s temporary, the body for example, has an expiration date, the problem on the other hand is eternal, like for example the soul, anyway with the finding of the solution the people had returned to the schools and cinemas and cemeteries, returned to the air and land and sea, until the evening. And upon evening, the people gathered in their houses, sat down in front of their screens, pressed the red button on their remotes, and awaited patiently until the next problem was announced.”